i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
