just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
