he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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