I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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