So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
we're making bets on your personal life
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
