I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
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