she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
