So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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