apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
you told grandpa to call you daddy
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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