wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
