Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
