I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
