remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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