I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize