this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
