i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
