i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
