My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She even gives head with a lisp.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
