The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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