FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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