listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
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