I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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