my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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