I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
