i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
