My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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