mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
