Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
