farters have to be the big spoon...
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
