i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
