Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
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