well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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