So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize