apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
