Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
