You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
