my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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