I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
