a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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