Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize