I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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