apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
