She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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