So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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