You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
