im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
