Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
