i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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