my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
