I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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