Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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