there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
