My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
