Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
