You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
