I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
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