i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
